Vipassana: For a Calm and Equanimous Mind

Like many other 20-something women, I left a movie theater in 2010 feeling completely inspired,  hopeful, and certain that one day I would go to an ashram as part of my spiritual journey.  Thank you Julia Roberts for inspiring my generation to forget about fad diets, half-ass boyfriends, and trending religions.  Yes, thank you Eat, Pray, Love for impacting my life!  Its only a half-kid.  I'm sure that naturally as one matures, she/he finds amazing food, passionate deep love, and the truth in one's spiritual journey to be more important than, say, fast food coupons, weekend hook-ups, and WWJD bracelets, but I actually remember this being the moment that "I decided I would go to an ashram" one day.

Four years later, I made it happen.  I didn't quite know what I was looking for or where I would find it.  Early on our journey I became pretty consistent with a daily meditation routine thanks to a 30-day guide for beginners on a Kindle deal.  It really made a positive impact but over time, and having the excuse of a very inconsistent regular schedule, it easily fell out of my routine.  I kept my eyes and ears open and on the recommendation of a good friend I ended up at a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat in Malaysia last month. 

I apologize in advance: this will probably be too long, too disjointed, and lack a linear trajectory.  But after all, this is an online diary not a thesis and you are here voluntarily.  This was a complex experience and difficult for me to sum up concisely and so I just wrote it how I wrote it.  I hope you can take something positive from it!

1.  I went to a 10 day silent (really 12 days as there is a day 0 and day 11) Vipassana meditation retreat at the Dhamma Malaya center in Malaysia.  There were about 100 people, a slight majority of which  were women, and mostly Chinese speaking (the course was offered in Mandarin or English).  I had my own room which was basic but fine: low concrete bed with 4" mattress pad, western toilet, sink, and cold water shower.  I showered with hot water in a bucket every other day.  It only took 1 big bucket of water to shower my entire body!  That is with shampoo and conditioner!  Lesson learned: we waste so much water.

2. I woke up at 4am and went to bed at 9:30 (although after the first few days I couldn't fall asleep well at all).  We were served simple and tasty veggie/vegan meals for breakfast and lunch and fruit and tea for dinner.  We had meditation for 10-11 hours every day usually in a large meditation hall but at certain times meditation in our rooms was allowed.  However, whenI meditated in my room I would often fall asleep so I tried to meditate in the group hall as much as possible.  We had break times around the meals and I would go on walks.  This was my favorite part of the day.  Just walking back and forth for 30-60 minutes usually with my mind working in overdrive.  

Also during the course, I was 12 days without phone, email, Facebook, TV, coffee, beer, meat, news, reading, journaling etc. and it was really really easy (although when i couldn't sleep, reading would have been helpful).  This made me feel so good to not be missing these things!  It was a good forced practice to re-evaluate how much time and emotional effort these things take in our lives and also how they, by having them or not having them, often create negative emotions - worry, anxiety, fear, etc. in our lives.  And we don't need any of that!!  It made me reflect on how amazingly adaptable humans are.  

Note:  Ok, the root of this technique is "pure" Buddhism (my words not theirs), but I'm not going to get into that because it's just too complex for this blog.  Although the course is for people of any beliefs, religious or not, and states it is non-sectarian, Buddhism is the root of the meditation technique.  

3. The first 3 days we just worked on a meditation technique called Anapana which is focusing on your breath.  We did this for 3 days to work on sharpening the mind and teaching it to focus (it is like a wild elephant after all!).  So the whole time we were meditating we just tried to focus on the sensation of air going in and out of our nostrils, nasal ways, and upper lip.  The mind by the way IS a wild animal that needs to be trained and tamed!  This was quite difficult!  I found myself meditating 10% of the time (or 1% or 50%, I'm not sure) and 90% the time your mind is constantly insane, jumping all over the place not focusing at all. 

4. On the 4th day and onward we learned the Vipassana technique.  With this technique one learns to focus the mind and observe sensations on the skin all over the body.  Imagine you are meditating and first you just observe your scalp for whatever sensation is there (tingling, tickling, crawling, tension, heat, cool, heaviness, lightness, pain, vibrations, etc. ANY sensation), and then you methodically go section by section of your body observing sensations.  If you don't notice a sensation you just stop and wait and observe for 1 min.  If nothing, then you go on.  Eventually you get faster at this and your mind becomes more focused and you are able to observe sensations more easily.

5. That is the technique part.  Now the theory here is this: when you are observing these gross and subtle sensations all over the body, you are working with a deeper part of your consciousness, part of your consciousness that you might not really be aware of on a daily basis.  You might even call it your unconscious brain.  Now the other MOST important part of the technique is that when you observe the sensation you do it with a completely equanimous mind: completely objective, not reacting to the sensations, not wanting unpleasant sensations to stop, and not wanting pleasant sensations to continue.  By doing this you are training your subtle mind/deeper consciousness to not be reactive to things.

Now this is where some of the Buddhism comes in.  The idea that the mind reacting to things on an unconscious level is what causes attachment/aversion and thus all the negativity in our lives.  By changing this behavior pattern at a deeper level we can avoid creating more attachment/aversion and develop a more equanimous and balanced mind.

6. Nightly we watched video discourses which I really enjoyed especially early on (they became more specific to the theology of Buddhism as the week went on and were a bit tedious at times).  Two other really important messages we received at the discourse that I found myself thinking about all the time were: 1) impermanence.  How every single moment in time is just rising and falling, rising and falling.  Nothing is permanent, including ourselves.  This relates of course to the attachment and aversion I mentioned earlier.  No point in either liking or not liking anything too much as it doesn't last.  Nothing lasts.  And 2) how much negativity effects you.  Meaning: when you are mad, angry, frustrated, anxious, depressed, impatient, etc. you are the one who loses.  The person/situation that is "causing" your negative emotion isn't suffering because of it, you are.  It's not that this is revolutionary, but I literally had so many hours to really think about this, mull it over, and I think it is the most important thing I took from the experience.  I just thought of so many times when i personally have negative emotions (or just general examples anyone might experience) which sometimes are not so short-lived, and realized just how wasteful that can be.  I came to realize in a new way that I don't ever want to have these negative emotions for more than a second because they cause my own suffering, not anyone else's.  Does this make any sense?!?!  Are you still with me??

The Buddhist believe here is that if you can really grasp these things and know them on an experiential level then you can eventually become enlightened and full of compassion, love, and good will towards everything.  For me, that's still a big leap and a long road but became a main focus as the week continued....

How to summarize what i got out of this and my thoughts on it?!!?  It's just so much!  Sorry this is sooo long already!

1.  Meditation for 11 hours a day is so hard!  Especially when you aren't allowed to move (after day 4, there were 3 hour-long group meditations during which we were not allowed to re-position ourselves, during other meditation times we could).  A few times I started to cry during the meditation because I was in pain (this happened at the first 2 of these sessions and over time I became very accustomed to sitting without moving).  But then I would just try and get a hold of myself and remember this discomfort is not permanent.  Rising and falling, right?   We had small groups and I told my instructor that I cried during the meditation.  She said this was common, that many things "come up" during this sort of experience, and just to focus objectively on the sensations that the crying created, not the emotion.

2. All this meditation did make me feel mentally strong which felt really good.  It's fricking tough to do this all day for so many days.

3. 12 days away from my husband was really hard.  I had never been away this long without being able to communicate with him and after 10 months of spending nearly all day every day together this was hard.  On day 9 I just started crying so much for about 10 minutes because I just wanted to know he was okay.  He was okay.  

4. In general, I started feeling really good! I started to feel SO happy for what felt like no reason at all.  Not constantly, but in waves starting on day 4.  I felt like my mind was more calm, that I had less negativity (not that I thought I had so much to start with) and that I was just really full of happiness. 

5. I think that meditation is really valuable and that you benefit immediately when you practice.  I'm not a believer exclusively in this technique, but to really spend time slowing down, focusing & quieting your mind, and spending time thinking about ideas/mantras/positivity will make you happier and make your life better.  I believe this.  I'm telling you this.  Listen to this part. 

6. Even though this was really hard, I would recommend a retreat like this to others. Not that it necessarily be Vipassana, but a multi-day silent meditation course. 

Thanks for sticking it out til the end!  Please please please, ask questions if you want to know more about my personal experience!

Please excuse my typos or grammatical errors. My equanimous mind is not bothered because of them.

Be Happy

(not from the course, just a photo snapped during one of my meditations in Antigua, Guatemala)